Subject: So you say you want weapons?
From: "Michael Smith" <[email-masked]>

DSN-00
     MAN PORTABLE FUSION CASTER W/ MULTIPLE PROJECTILE RAILGUN GRENADE 
     LAUNCHER
     
     The latest development from DSN Industries, The people who brought you 
     the POCKET BLACK HOLE DISPENSER. The DSN-00 combines the planet 
     rending fury of a military grade fusion caster with the long range 
     delivery capabilities of their patented railgun grenade launcher in 
     one sleek package. Advancements in isolinear processing cores allow 
     for not just another "smart gun" but rather a full artificial 
     intelligence, now not only can you outgun your opponents but you can 
     outthink them as well! Target acquisition is improved as well using a 
     tachyon beam range guide, now you can not only find where your target 
     is but thanks to the time/space quantum effects of the tachyon 
     particle you can find "when" your target is too! The grenade launcher 
     fires dsn's patented exodan style matter-interrupter grenades and can 
     deliver a blitzkrieg assault of 100 grenades in a single burst, how's 
     that for superior firepower. Also include in the standard package is a 
     holographic icon-driven multi-optics field which includes the 
     following:
                        nightvision capabilities
                        thermo-imaging
                        telescopic imaging (5 mile range 100-1 ft imaging 
     area)
                        tachyon time-imaging target range guide
                        polarizing light filter
                        time, date, temperature and ammo display windows 
     (for talking to your ai)
                        
     The DSN-00 is available at most local dsn authorized dealers for the 
     low price of ^300,000,000,000.99 sgc (standard galactic credits)*. DSN 
     weapons for tomorrow...today!
     
     Special Features: the gun's AI is programmed with up to 10 skills at 
     88% proficiency, skills are chosen by the initial purchaser. The gun 
     has hacking at 98% proficiency and uses an EM military field modem to 
     access the dataweb. The gun's mass is supported by a null gravity 
     suspension field and inertial compensators, recoil is shunted into a 
     negative-dimensional space generated by the guns null gravity 
     singularity. The gun maneuvers and targets itself with ten 
     multi-positional non-ozone depleting reactionless thrusters.           

     MANUFACTURER'S WARNING: when repairing the DSN-00 do not stare 
     directly at the fusion core and under no circumstances is the user to 
     remove the cover on the null gravity singularity in our dimension 
     without proper precautions.above all! Do not stick hands or appendages 
     into the singularity! DSN industries is not responsible for lost or 
     obliterated planetary systems as a result of singularity 
     destabilization. 
     
     THE VORTEX - BLACK HOLE IN A CAN
     
     From the people who brought you the DSN-00, comes their latest in 
     hyper-destructive weaponry. The Vortex - Black Hole in a Can. A 
     single, grain sized singularity is contained within a powerful quantum 
     nullifier field to maintain singularity stability. Vortex - Black Hole 
     in a Can is about the size of your typical soda can or reality 
     implosion grenade. To activate, simply pull the ring-top and toss it 
     in the direction of your foes and presto...no muss, less fuss. A 
     gravatic compensation disk allows even the weakest of sophonts to 
     throw the Vortex - Black Hole in a Can like a champion b'ggnrrx 
     grenade hurler. The singularity destabilizes after approximately .3 
     seconds of life, a digital timer allows you to maintain the quantum 
     nullifier field for up to 30 seconds after activation!!!! The Vortex - 
     Black Hole in a Can completely obliterates up to 200 square feet of 
     the space/time continuum in a single use, talk about demolitions!
     The Vortex - Black Hole in a Can is available at most local DSN 
     authorized dealers for the low price of ^49,999,999,999.98 sgc 
     (standard galactic credits)*. DSN, weapons for tomorrow...today!
     
     Special Features: Digital timer allows pre-programmed detonation from 
     .3 to 30 seconds. child-proof safety cap and thumbprint recognition 
     plate make them safe around the house. An integral warning alarm 
     sounds a pleasant chime to alert if accidental quantum nullifier field 
     failure occurs, giving the user a generous 15 seconds to rid 
     him/her/itself of the rapidly destabilizing and dangerous singularity.
     
     MANUFACTURER'S WARNING: Do not store the singularity too close to 
     microwave ovens, dwarf-star matter,  stasis webs or generators, 
     quantum destabilizers, active telegates or hyperdense quasi-real space 
     time distortions as such things tend to interfere with the quantum 
     nullifier fields proper functioning. Do not puncture can with sharp 
     implements or expose to extremes of temperatures such as plasma fires 
     or cryostatic beams.  Remember that the maximum safety distance 
     between you and a rapidly destabilizing space/time distortion is at 
     least 300 feet. Do not throw hyperdense space/time distortions or 
     quantum entities into a singularity for any reason. Do not stick 
     hands, feet, face or other appendages into the quantum nullifier 
     field, as such action will result in the instant and rapid molecular 
     decohesion of your body mass as your molecules lose all motion at a 
     quantum level. DSN Industries is not    responsible for damages to the 
     purchaser or his dimension resulting from improper use or storage of 
     singularities. 
     
     ASX-WWII MK IV INFINITE COMPRESSION GUN
     
     The ASX-WWII MK IV Infinite Compression Gun is the brainchild of Dr. 
     Rupert J. Hoffnagle-Chin of DSN's own Yerrgtth station research 
     facility on Haufrec XXXVIII. After years of research Dr. 
     Hoffnagle-Chin has perfected a means of imparting the mass of a black 
     hole onto a target thereby collapsing it into an infinitely small 
     space within .0000000000002 seconds of beam collision, literally a 
     crushing defeat! Dr. Hoffnagle-Chin is renowned for his research into 
     matter compression and its destructive effects, during his tenure at 
     the University of Gaxxs on Nixon VII, he successfully collapsed the 
     systems primary into a stellar mass the size of a golfball, obviously 
     the man's credentials speak for themselves. We at DSN believe that 
     quality in a small package is what the average consumer wants, well 
     the ASX-WWII MK IV provides that, the twin compaction beam assembly 
     and quantum mass-shifter is the size of a typical gunndrakkian 
     hooftthrower, and twice as stylish, the whole assembly weighs in at 14 
     kilos and fits comfortably in the trunk of your average sports hover. 
     The ASX-WWII MK IV comes with a virtual reality sighting system that 
     gives you state of the art target acquisition with the precision 
     you've come to expect of DSN's fine line of virtual reality sights. An 
     integral mass refraction grid keeps the ASX-WWII MK IV from imparting 
     extra mass onto the user accidentally, and a stylish pneumatic smart 
     bipod allows you the freedom of movement and balance that is a 
     professional armsman's right. The ASX-WWII MK IV is available at most 
     authorized DSN suppliers for a pittance, only ^500,000,000,000.000 sgc 
     (standard galactic credits)* DSN, weapons for tomorrow...today!
     
     MANUFACTURER'S WARNING: firing a ASX-WWII MK IV at any hyperdense 
     material (such as entropyfree impluvium or a betelguesean hoagiesaur) 
     can result in a backlash that will render the surrounding five miles 
     uninhabitable for the next 300,000,000 years. DSN is not responsible 
     for collateral damage from a   backlash of this nature. 
     
     LIQUID RHINO
     
     The Liquid Rhino is finally here! After years of research the research 
     staff at DSN Industries have perfected a means of molding Cyberdyne's 
     living liquid metal into an exact replica of the ever popular african 
     rhino. The entire construct is "smart" with each molecule being a 
     miniature machine/computer capable of processing sensory data at 
     speeds that boggle the mind. The Liquid Rhino comes in a j-100 mass 
     compensation can, pull the lid, pour the Liquid Rhino on any flat 
     surface and presto! Instant rhino. The Liquid Rhino is programmed to 
     react and function like a real african rhino, but under the user's 
     complete control. A virtual reality uplink and assensing system allows 
     realtime information relay between the Liquid Rhino and the user, and 
     with DSN's new neural distortion shunt and brainwave calibrater, the 
     user can literally experience the thrill of "being" and african rhino 
     (a real blast for you simstim jockeys out there!). Liquid Rhino is 
     available at most authorized DSN suppliers for a mere drop in the 
     credstick, only ^144,000,000.000 sgc (standard galactic credits)* DSN, 
     weapons for tomorrow...today!
     
     Special Features: The Liquid Rhino is above all things, a living 
     computer. As a special feature the construct has the entire 
     Encyclopedia Galactica permanently imprinted in its molecular 
     database. The computer is capable of playing chess, poker, cribbage 
     and parisi's squares and is fluent in 1400 languages including latin, 
     vergeen and phlott. The virtual reality uplink and assensing system 
     allows precision control and realtime information exchange and 
     retrieval between construct and user, the constructs senses extend 
     into the infrared, ultraviolet, ultrasonic and hyperolfactory. The 
     construct has a memory capacity of 2.5 of a google of ROM, or 4.7 
     trillion years of active memory capacity (our rhino never forgets!).
     
     MANUFACTURER'S WARNING: some galactic states, cantons, provinces, 
     hfllreefs or tobies prohibit the use or sale of living liquid metal 
     constructs, considering such to be concealed weapons. DSN advises 
     checking the weapons statutes of the governing body of your sector and 
     obtaining a proper license if necessary. Prolonged exposure to 
     radiation, stellar instabilities and lifeforms that communicate on 
     em-wavelengths can damage your Liquid Rhino's sanity and molecular 
     cohesiveness, resulting in unforseen and perhaps dangerous mutations 
     of form and programming. In such an event it is advised that the owner 
     consult the nearest available cyber-therapist, technomancer or heavy 
     weapons dealer with great haste. Owners of Liquid Rhino's with serial 
     numbers 1667778 through 2009934 be advised, some of these batch 
     numbers have been infected with a nanocomputer virus that creates a 4 
     ton living liquid metal version of the fictional detective Nero Wolfe 
     (not too terribly dangerous, but somewhat annoying), if your Liquid 
     Rhino develops a fondness for bright if somewhat tacky clothing, thai 
     food and orchids pack up the little fellow and ship it back to your 
     local DSN distributor and it will be replaced free of charge.